I went to Lidl with the intention of finally downloading and understanding that effing app. I’ve been planning to avail those offers for over six months. I felt a surge of determination as the sun was shining, but then everything took a turn.
Attempting to concentrate on the app, I found myself interrupted by a woman needing me to move my cart so she could reach for flowers in the farthest corner. Seeking solace, I retreated to the quietest spot, but the insisting sounds and people continued to overwhelm my scattered mind.
Eventually, I gave up and headed for the avocados. I struggled to focus on my shopping list and ended up forgetting half of it. I succumbed to the quick food choices, contrary to my initial plan, influenced by the beautiful Capricorn new moon and its trine to my Sun. But baaaah! Nothing good came out of it.
Standing at the checkout, a woman accidentally collided her shopping cart into me. My heart raced, and I fought back tears. She was a confused elderly lady, and I tried to smile to convey that it was okay. However, the moment was incredibly difficult, and I felt nauseous.
Once again, I retreated, contemplating how I could navigate the store without succumbing to a full-blown anxiety attack. In an attempt to appear focused, I pretended to study different cans of chickpeas and beans, concentrating on the colours in the row above and below. I forced myself to silently recite the names of the colours. I knew at this stage of mind I would stutter and not be able to answer questions if anyone approached me.
But unfortunately, my technique didn’t help one daim. I gave up on my shopping, left my basket with a high sense of guilt and returned to the car, overwhelmed with tears. I just knew this experience would become yet another mountain of avoidance behaviour that I needed to climb in that particular store.
Home again: overthinking and self-explaining
So I went home and wondered. Why is it that my agoraphobia is so weird? Why is it that I can travel to another country ALONE – sit in a fucking AERO-plane and feel thrills of happiness…. But I cannot go grocery shopping in my local area? Is this diagnosis even correct?
It’s like I developed some kind of fear towards relating to Danish people. As if they are all cold and bullying. I know this isn’t true and when going to bigger cities in Denmark I feel more safe… fewer know me.
The doctor says to me “You can’t outrun your problems.” So I’m taking a deep breath and still hope that I’ll improve when I sell my house and move to a bigger city.
Of course, anxiety works in periods. And when it’s heavy I’m not even able to travel or drive away from it. The early panic attacks still sit strong in my body’s memory.
I also still have this horrible moment from my past with a violent ex-boyfriend who not only yelled at me while we were grocery shopping, but he also pinched me and I was walking on eggshells when we went out together. Unfortunately, he insisted on always being with me. So even though the relationship was short-lived, it had a tremendous impact on me. I guess that’s some of the body reactions I’m still having. Min mind knows he’s not there anymore. But somehow, I’m still watching if he is there.
Also, I always come home and explain after an anxiety episode. I explain why I’m different, I try to get people to understand. Everybody! Neighbours, old customers, friends I couldn’t maintain, old bosses, flirts, family, everybody.
I spend hours and hours explaining to everybody who is not listening and they have long forgotten everything about me…. and I’ve effing done this for years. It stresses me and makes me sad. What’s that behaviour all about and can I heal it?
I know I’ve met a lot of ridicule and misunderstanding. And I know it’s a huge part of adult ADHD. But I’m still trying to clear my mind and stop this behaviour, but I haven’t found the golden answer yet. Maybe you have some for this particular behaviour?
The final symptoms and my tools for recovery
The aftermath of anxiety: exhaustion, the feeling of not being able to trust my body and mind. Insecurity, loneliness, fear of the future, the tendency to cry easily and not being able to manage it or hold back. Reaching out to random distant friends and strangers on the internet while not being able to tell about it. Joking with my condition, minimizing it. Maybe because of rejection fear and difficulties relating? Using chatGPT to feel like I am having a conversation with someone knowledgeable and biting nails down to their roots again. Just horrible!
So I guess I have to pull out my dusty old tool case and walk the path once again:
The 333 rule.
Cognitive therapy from the book “Mind over Mood” which is all about thought tracking and change.
Accepting this fall-back with self nursing behaviours.
Giving it a pause with gradually confronting feared situations and then start from scratch again.